kimananda (2008) (in press)

Timeline:

Spring, 2006. Write a term paper for a class. Write it quickly, but on a topic close to your heart (in my case, blogging...and tagging...and, well you can read about some of the details here, if you are so inclined). Do pretty well, grade-wise, on the paper, and feel generally quite pleased with yourself.

Autumn, 2006. Take advice to submit the article for publication. Scoff at the advice to submit it to a very very well-known journal in the field, but then submit it anyway. Don't revise it too much before submitting it, because of course it won't be accepted anyway. View it as a way to experience the peer review process.

Spring, 2007. Hear that your article has been accepted. Spend at least an evening rejoicing. Then read the peer reviewers' suggestions for revisions.

Summer, 2007. Spend far too long revising, and/or putting off revising. Despair at ever being done. Fail to understand what can be done to address the reviewers' very reasonable suggestions. Talk to all your friends about it. Send out e-mails for help (which go unanswered). Pull your hair out (metaphorically), and complain to your blog readers. Then, finish the revisions and submit them.

Still Summer, 2007. Find out that your revisions have been accepted. Rejoice, but not in the same exuberant way as for the original acceptance.

Autumn, 2007. After a few last-minute questions, find out that your part is done, the editor's part is done, and the publisher will be in touch to let you know when you'll actually be published.

Winter, 2007/8. Decide that you'll never hear anything, and that you'll never be published. By this point, the article is so old, and your interests have moved on, so you're not too worried. You can put the acceptance on your applications anyway.

Spring, 2008. Find out that you will be published, and when you will be published. Rejoice, and consider that you have only a vague idea at this point of what you actually wrote to begin with!

Summer, 2008. When you will become a published author. Risk being late for work in order to blog announce it. Yay!

6 things, or better late than never

A long time ago, I came up with this post, in preparation to doing this meme (for which I was tagged by the inimitable Devil Mood). Then, I forgot all about the meme. Silly me.

So, according to the rules, I'm supposed to:

- Link to the person that tagged you.
- Post the rules on your blog.
- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
- Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
- Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

Because I'm increasingly obsessed (and because that's what the photos in the previous post referred to), the theme is babies. Both preparation for babies and metaphoric babies.

1) Preparation: I have finally found my pregnancy craving. Milk. I prefer skim, or better yet, mainly skim milk with just a splash or two of chocolate milk mixed in. I don't really put enough in to add too much chocolate flavor, but it gives a bit of interest anyway, and a slightly richer color. The craving comes and goes, but has been a relative constant for a few weeks now. This would go with the first photo in that other post.

2) Metaphoric: There is so much going on in my life at the moment, which I don't blog about. For example, Tristino, my PhD proposal in training/quasi-metaphorical baby. Working on a proposal is like running a marathon through hip-high mud. I'm not sure how far I'm getting, but it seems to be coming together despite all my distractions and procrastinations. All I need to do is to get my research idea, a very abbreviated literature review, a project timeline, and a short reference list together...in no more than 5 A4 pages. In February. I'm being cautiously optimistic that I will actually achieve this. This would go with the second photo, of the bound dissertations.

3) Preparation: I have been hearing about women in about the same stage of pregnancy as I am who have had their babies already. This is far too early to be having a baby, but the babies seem to be surviving (though not without a stretch in intensive care). This is reassuring (if I gave birth now, she'd most likely survive) and frightening (there are people who give birth really really early) at the same time.

4) Metaphoric: Questions which I should be thinking about and researching, but instead I am blogging: What is everyday life, and how does internet use intersect with that? How is the internet like a city, and how is it different? How far can such metaphors be practically applied in research, and what kind of methodology would be useful for exploring such questions? How can I effectively explore any of this in 5 A4 pages?

5) Preparation: I now know why pregnant women bump into things, spill food on themselves while eating, get soaking wet while washing the dishes. It's all body image, and delusion. Because, while I know on a theoretical level that I'm bigger, I don't feel any bigger. By which I mean, if I stretch my arms out away from my body, close my eyes, and think of how I look, it's clear to me that I'm the same size that I've always been. But of course, I'm really not. Which means that I am starting to bump into things...let's just say that I now reach wherever it is that I'm going a split second before I expect to. The other day, I caught sight of myself in the reflective glass in a picture frame, and though, 'That can't be me. I look pregnant or something!' Evidence given in the photo for this post.

6) More preparation: I had some ideas in mind when I posted the three photos in that earlier post, but now, I can't remember why I posted the photo of the moses basket. Probably I was making a list of things I need to buy. Really, there's not that much that one needs to buy for a baby, leaving me with a much shorter list than I expected. Poor, poor, minimalist baby. But really, I keep looking at suggested shopping lists, and considering all of them, and really, there's not so much that is really needed.

So, who to tag? I'm tagging people from whom I haven't seen any new posts in a while, and I'm only tagging three, as a lot of those I read have done this, or something similar before, in several cases, more than once. Just because I know all three in real life doesn't make me miss their on-line presence any less. This means you, FourLegged, KB, and Gondul.

We interrupt this blog for a Tristino update

Whenever I can't get a project off the ground (which is to say, several times in the life of any project I decide to start), I think of history. According to my mother at least, I could never get anything going at the normal time. I'd start something, decide I could do things more easily some other way, and that would be it for the new thing. For a while, until I'd spontaneously just do whatever it was I had tried to do before, without any major problems. So, for example I started walking at some point, decided that crawling was far more efficient, and stopped walking...until the day when I just started walking like I had always known how to do it. This seems to be the story of my life.

It's been how I've learned languages, more or less, the way I settle into new countries, the way I make new friends, everything in fits and starts. And, apparently, it's the way I work academically. Which is a very roundabout way of saying that I've finally gotten a semblance of a draft proposal together. It's only taken months, I know. For those who aren't privy to my inner angst (and trust me, you don't really want to hear my inner angst, as it's somewhat repetitive), this won't mean much. But those who are in the know will know what a big deal this is. It's still not done, but it's ready to send out to select corners of the world to get feedback. It's done enough that I can almost see doing a PhD based on the ideas in it. So, in short, hallelujah! Now, I return you to your normally scheduled blog while I go back and try to figure out what my methodology might be.

*Tristino in his younger days, now that tiny bit closer to being reborn.*

Whale skeletons, tatoos, and general inefficiency

The skeleton dimensions I shall now proceed to set down are copied verbatim from my right arm, where I had them tattooed; as in my wild wanderings at that period, there was no other secure way of preserving such valuable statistics. But as I was crowded for space, and wished the other parts of my body to remain a blank page for a poem I was then composing - at least, what untattooed parts might remain - I did not trouble myself with the odd inches; nor, indeed, should inches at all enter into a congenial admeasurement of the whale.

--Ishmael, about to reveal whale secrets in Moby Dick

This passage both disturbs and enlightens. Disturbs, perhaps only me in my role as commitment-phobe. Imagine, to be so devoted to something that you engrave it permanatly on your physical being. I couldn't do it...which might explain why I don't have any tatoos. Enlightens because there is value in remembering and commemorating whatever it is that is important in our lives, both the sublime poem, and the mundane measurement of a whale skeleton. Or should that have been the other way around?

It's of particular relevance now as so much new is happening in my life, and I find myself facing a future with simply too many roles, both the real and the as yet merely imagined. And maybe I'm not such a commitment-phobe after all, because I simply can't bring myself to de-prioritize anything that has had priority at any time before. Some re-ordering I know will come about just through life's normal course, but others will not.

The problem is that which has been pushed out of the foreseeable future, which is my envisioning of myself as an academic. It's the oldest dream I have, and all I need to do (at least for now) is to get my thoughts together into a proposal...not a finished, polished, brilliant proposal either, mind you, just one that is definite enough that I can send it around and get feedback on it. And yet I find that all the other roles in my life, as employee, friend, girlfriend, family member, future mother, are given priority over just focusing on what exactly I want to research, and then writing it down. Even though the academic role is more important than any of the others (not that the others are not important, just that they don't need the same time, attention, and tenacious no-holds barred fighting to keep them realizable). And to compound it, when I talk about it, it invariably feels like whining. Which is what it is.

So, the question is, is it possible to tell how much space is left for tatoos? And what's the best way to remove, or at least minimize tatoos whose significance is diminished? How far should a dream be pushed before it becomes more burden than motivation? I don't think my dream has become a burden, by the way. But at the rate I'm going, and the guilt I'm producing, it sure seems a bit that way.

*picture taken from http://daverothstravels.blogspot.com/2007/09/ive-done-it.html.*

Writing 1 : -865736 Revising

I don't understand it, honestly I don't. Writing is, despite (and maybe because of) the fits and starts way that ideas present themselves, really fun. It's fulfilling, it's interesting, it can, when an exciting new theory or way of structuring a complex train of thought presents itself, even be exhilarating. I bitch about every paper and article, endlessly, but when all is said and done, I enjoy it. I'd gladly do it for a living, if I could figure out how.

Revising should be a natural extension of that process, hard work, but worth it. And it is worth it, eventually, but before it becomes worth it, it's horrible. I hate, loathe and detest it. It's not just hard work, it's outright impossible. How do people do it? How do you all do it?

Well, back to the aforementioned revisions...I seem to be aiming for a personal best for the longest time taken to revise an article, and it's gotta stop. You and the rest of the blogosphere are my witnesses. The article will be done today. If only so that I can start on the next one.

*This is the mascot for the Camino de Santiago. In our household we call him Palette, after his head shape. He's neither writing nor revising, but seems rather to be taking a nap, which would be very nice right now.

***Update, 6 August, 11am: O.K., I chose a good night's sleep over finishing, but only after I had reached to where the end was in sight. Now, I'm basically done. After a couple of days to let it rest, and then another run-through, and I do believe I may actually be able to send it in. :-) ***

Birth announcement

I am pleased to announce that yesterday evening, a thesis was officially born (in triplicate actually), and that in addition, soon after 10 o'clock this morning, Tristino was officially presented as a part of the world. He's a strong 70 page, 25,000+ word beauty, and it is hoped and expected that his presence will make an impact in the academic community, as well as on the future goals and ambitions of his mother.

His birth was greeted by roses, provided by his Danish step-father, along with champagne. Tristino himself did not partake of the champagne (too young, too papery to handle it), but he did pose with the roses. Mother, step-father, and thesis are all doing well.

Back with a passion, back with a meme

This is courtesy of Devil Mood, who has picked up a meme, the instructions of which are:

You're supposed to pick up the book you're reading right now, go to page 123 (or the last page of the book if it doesn't get that far) and copy the 5th paragraph (or the last paragraph, in case there isn't one).

I considered using a passage from The Hypercomplex Society, but there were no paragraphs on page 123, just a section header. Then I pondered something from The Practice of Everyday Life, but it has long paragraphs, and I couldn't bring myself to enter all that text. But then I remembered a book that I have been periodically reading parts of for the whole process of creating Tristino, and which is a bit more accessible. Page 123 even addresses revision, the stage where I am at now (pretty much). Here it is, from Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day:

"Your zero draft can be described as the pure outpouring of prose that just comes. Revision involves making important rational choices: of what stance to take, of speaking voice, of words and sounds, of kinds of argument, and of what is to be included or excluded. As you reread your draft, you will make such choices at different levels, from the overall shape of your argument to where the commas go. In the earliest drafts of your chapters you probably wrote as if talking to yourself - how you felt about your subject; your own slant on it; your questions, concerns, and irritation with it; your attempts to wrestle it to the ground. At the revision stage of your thesis you will write much more explicitly for your audience."

This is not exactly how I write a draft...I like my drafts to resemble the final version as much as possible, though I have over time developed a system where all the talking to myself is in a different color so that I can ignore it when I don't need it. But that doesn't make the advice here any less useful. I am looking for that refinement of thought in my academic life, in opposition to other areas of my life, where I'm striving much more for the zero draft, that 'pure outpouring'.

So, that's the back with a meme part. As for the back with a passion, really, there is passion, but I can't quite get it all together in one post at the moment. Passion for my recent long road trip in the states, passion for all the future possibilities that may or may not be, passion for getting text on screen. It will happen soon enough.

As for the photo, Groucho Marx famously said, 'Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.' He may have had a point, but I claim that no book could be as photogenic as a rug-colored dog. (Photo courtesy of FourLegged).

Not thesis angst. Thesis joy.

Yes, I'm obsessed. To the point where I can't seem to blog, or visit blogs, to the point where if it's not specifically on my schedule of things to do, then it just won't get done, because I can't do it because I'm too busy being obsessed. But obsessed in a good way.

I mark my obsession by giving myself a piece of chocolate after every 500 reasonably usable words in my draft. It's amazing how much effort I can spend just to get that next piece of chocolate. It's teaching me about limits, too. I believe that 3 chocolates worth of work is about the most I can produce in one day, if I'm not teaching as well, that is. If I have a full day of work, then 1 chocolate is just fine, thank you.

Today I had my first celebration, to mark my thesis reaching the magic 5-digit mark. 10007 words as of 4 o'clock today. Going out to celebrate a paper. I don't believe I have ever done this before. For sure I will do it again, when the time is right.

By the way, just to introduce you all, my thesis is called Tristino (Tristino Sade actually...he's an anagram). He actually started as the thesis for the last degree I did, but quite frankly, I didn't treat him very well that time. So I'm hoping to make it up to him now. Thor is very supportive considering that I'm obsessed with another man, but then again, clearly I couldn't really get very intimate with Tristino now, could I? Paper cuts, you know. Silly as it may sound, my relationship with Tristino is very personally fulfilling, and sort of maternal, seeing him grow and develop and all that is extremely rewarding.

So, if you ever wonder where I am over the next few months, well, there it is. Obsession has stolen me away.

*image from http://www.shriro.com.my/images/storck-merci.jpg. And this really is my reward chocolate. It comes in 10,000 word boxes.*

Like tiny 15-minute coaching sessions

Yes, freewriting. Not as in I'll be doing it here, but as in I want to rant and rave and marvel over the fact that it actually works. Here's the deal: If I start my thesis-writing day (which starts soon after I get home from work, or whenever I finish with breakfast on days off) with 15-minutes of freewriting, about how I'm feeling, what I think I might write about, where I'm feeling blocked, that sort of thing, then I'm able to go on and do 1 or 2 regular thesis writing sessions (I follow a 45-minute working, 15-minute break cycle) with pretty much no problem. If I don't start with freewriting, I often can't get any writing done, or at best find it hard to focus for a whole 45-minute session.

I know this is old news to many, but I'm amazed. How did it take me so long to figure this one out? Today, as I have more of the day, I plan to try it twice, so freewriting, then a couple of writing sessions, then lunch, then freewriting and a couple more writing sessions (my focus seems like it can use a boost after 2 sessions). You wouldn't think one person could have so much psychological gunk that needs cleaning out before writing, but it's possible, and I'm the proof.

And yes, my resolution to finish a draft of my thesis in January has now become a resolution to finish my draft in February. It is highly possible that I will in fact do this. All other resolutions are well under way to being carried out as planned.

My paper, now with added brevity

This time, a random Lisbon photo, from the Cidade Universitária metro station. As a six-word story, it reads 'Not Athenian, not Greek. World citizen.'
There's a meme inspired by this project going around where you get to write a story in exactly six words. As I'm editing my paper at the moment (no, it's not taking me longer to edit the thing than it took to write it, I've just been taking more breaks), I've decided to rewrite my efforts into six words. Here goes...

Blogs communicate community. Corporate blogs inform.

Yes, there you have it. The other 7000 or so words, that's just detail. Although actually, this would make for much more concise and elegant abstract than the one I've got currently.* Any comments? Hopefully, it wasn't too boring.

*Here's the real abstract, at somewhat more than 6 words. Feel free to skip this section. (Update: To those who have e-mailed me asking to see the paper, I'm not so sure. Although I did offer, I find that I'm a bit squeamish about sending out my baby to people whom I've never before heard of in any way. If I know you as a reader of/commenter on my blog, then your chances are somewhat higher.)

The discourse of the corporate blog is examined, using Laclau and Mouffe's discourse theory as a theoretical base. Through a preliminary review of discourses of communication and an analysis of selected blog review/critique sites, it is shown that personal and corporate blogs operate under different discourses, which lead to antagonism when the borders overlapping the two blog styles arise. These findings can have practical implications for corporate blogs and corporations which utilize or are considering utilizing the blog medium for communicating with the public.

Does this mean I need to give back my crown?

Well, it's almost that time of the school term, to start the long procrastination process towards the last project paper before my thesis in the Spring. It will be great, filled with post after post of angst and off-putting. I know you all have been eagerly looking forward. And it will all begin as soon as...oops, wait, I almost forgot. I'm done with my paper.

It's not my fault. I had a week of almost no work (this past week has been the Danish autumn holiday week/reading week, so I had no classes as a student, and all but one of my classes as a teacher were cancelled) and a fairly solid idea for a topic, I made a plan...and actually stuck with it and finished the whole thing. Well, I have a couple theoretical points that I'd like to add, a book or two and maybe some articles that I'd still like to read and incorporate, but really, if I had to, I could print it out and turn it in right now. From nothing but an idea to a fully formed 7,000 words plus appendix of data in 8 days. Like an academic Ferrari. O.K, maybe an academic Porsche. Just to give an idea of the magnitude of this achievement, the official due date is the 4th of January. I am planning to turn it in by the 8th of December before my Christmas trip. I should have the editing done by the end of the month.

I'm convincing myself to be proud - I'm not good at feeling proud...it's that perfectionist perennial feeling that I could have done more getting in the way - but I'm a bit nervous for my status as patron goddess of procrastination. Can I get things done in an orderly way, in advance or even well in advance, and still retain my title? More importantly, will everyone around me be dreadfully disappointed in this small disruption of the cosmic order?

When I finish the reveling (which should last until I go back to working all the time, which happens tomorrow), I'll write about the paper itself. Be prepared to snooze at the computer screen.

*obligatory China photo, and my sincerest wish, taken in a small auditorium along the banks of the Yangtze*

Perverse thinking?

All right. My project includes a small case study, enabling me to compare free text searching and tag searching in terms of retrieval of alternative views. The case I have chosen is the debate surrounding mercury in vaccines, in relation to causes of childhood autism.

I don't have to study the issue per se, but I do need to look at the sites I retrieve in order to look for viewpoints, communities represented, that kind of thing.

I find that as I read about vaccines, thimerosal, chelation, amalgam fillings, symptoms of mercury poisoning, symptoms of autism, clinical evidence, parental experience, I am slowly filled with a deep craving for a really big tunafish sandwich.

I wonder what that says about me. Probably that I should go back to my project and get some more work done.

Let the academic games begin!

Yes, dear readers, it's time to begin the second run of that all-time favorite, 'kimananda whinges about her current school project'. I'd tell you about it, but then I'd have to kill you. Or rather, I'd tell you about it, but then I'd have to clearly define what exactly it is that I'm doing. Which wouldn't actually be a bad idea.

If I had to define what I'm doing - and of course I do have to do exactly that - I would start with some keywords (or in some cases keyphrases). Blogs. User-based Tagging. Power laws and the long tail. Bias and exclusivity in internet searching. Testing for bias, and what constitutes inclusivity. Pretty scattered, I know.

Then, I'd try to come up with a concise research question to be answered in my project (as the maximum length is about 25 pages/9,500 words, including references, one nicely focused question is more than enough). I have two questions actually, but I believe that they are connected...and if I change my mind, then I can always drop one of them, and focus more on the other. The first is does tagging on largely text-based media like blogs actually give substantive value-added over best-match free text searching (like the 'search' function which Blogger offers)? The second is to what extent does tagging give the possibility for full inclusivity, as some proponents claim?

Finally, I'd stop blogging and continue writing. My goal for the day is to turn my close to a thousand words of notes into the beginnings of a recognizable piece of academic writing, which should lead to some semblance of a very rough draft by the end of the long Easter weekend. Wish me great quantities of luck, as I'll most certainly need it. If I'm able to reach my goal, then I may also be able to better explain what the project is about, which would be a very useful thing to be able to do.

Photos: the coolest of the libraries I go to, as seen from a well-placed seat on the upper floor. Looking into the library offers a view of spacious shelves. Looking out of the window offers a tranquil lake-side view.

Alternative Performance Measures

Well, as some of you know, this morning I had the oral exam to accompany my project paper, where I got the chance to explain some concepts from the reading list and relate them to what I had written about. Some of you whom I know personally have asked me to let you know how I did, and I have decided that the best way to do this would be to post it here. But first, I would like to explain a bit about the Danish grading system, so that it's clear what the grade I got actually means. But first, some history.

When I left the states, I was not too surprised to discover that educational systems in other countries use other scales for evaluating student performance. What did surprise me was what was considered a good grade, or rather, the fact that there can be grades on a scale that no one would ever receive, ever. So, in Portugal for example, grades are given on a 20-point scale, but nobody gets a 20. I've heard more than once an explanation of grading that starts with '20 is for God,....' For the degree I did in England (graduate level, so no 1st, 2.1, 2.2, etc.), we got scored out of 100%. Distinction (like honors in the states, I suppose) was at 70%, and if you got much more than that, you were very, very special. I can't imagine anyone getting anywhere near perfect.

In Denmark, there is a rather strange 13-point scale. Below you will see English translations of what the numbers mean, taken from my school's exam information page.

§ 1. Course applicants, apart from course applicants at primary school and in the 10th grade will, at the time of tests included in examinations, and at the time of tests in individual subjects, be assessed individually in accordance with the points scale (the 13-point scale):
13: Is given for the exceptionally independent and excellent performance.
11: Is given for the independent and excellent performance.
10: Is given for the excellent but not particularly independent performance.
9: Is given for the good performance, a little above average.
8: Is given for the average performance.
7: Is given for the mediocre performance, slightly below average.
6: Is given for the just acceptable performance.
5: Is given for the hesitant and unsatisfactory performance.
03: Is given for the very hesitant, very insufficient and unsatisfactory performance.
00: Is given for the completely unacceptable performance.

6 is the lowest passing mark. You'll notice that there are some numbers missing: 12, 4, 2, and 1, or maybe that should be 02 and 01. Apparently, there's an extra '0' on the two lowest grades for the good old days when grades were handwritten in ink, so that enterprising students couldn't just write in a 1 in front of the number for instant performance enhancement. The grades are divided: under 5 is 'usikker' or hesitant. 6 is 'acceptabel', 7-9 is 'god' or good and 10-13 is 'udmærket' or outstanding. 13 is for the 'more than perfect' grade; I won't say that no one gets it, but it is very rare. My idea is that it is so far above the other grades that there should be a gap before it, hence the lack of a 12 grade.

Now, to get to the point: I got a 10. I have the idea from the comments given with the grade that my written paper by itself wasn't a 10, but the spoken part of the exam pulled the grade up. Considering the problems I had with the paper, and that it was in a completely new academic area for me I'm extremely pleased, and really don't think I could have done any better. I would be proud of myself, but I tend not to be able to be proud of myself in that way...too much of a perfectionist perhaps. So that you can all be proud of me instead, I will end this post with a more specific description of pre-conditions for getting as high a grade as I got.

§ 4. The points group ‘excellent’ (points 13, 11 and 10) will be given to the performances or standards where the student

1) shows comprehensive and certain knowledge and comprehension and confident proficiency in the subject,
2) distinguishes clearly between important and unimportant
3) shows a very thorough knowledge of concepts and methods as well as comprehensive proficiency in concepts and methods
4) gives an account of these and deals with a subject in such a way as to include almost all relevant conditions
5) gives an expressive substantiation for producing these conditions
6) compares or combines concepts, methods and information in a very confident way and evaluates and generalises correspondingly on the basis thereof, and
7) used his knowledge and proficiencies in the face of known problems very confidently and possibly in the face of unknown problems by combining existing principles to put forward solution options.

Yes, it's true. I'm great. ;-)

Writing a paper, take 2

Well, I figure a month without posting is long enough. I'm back in the blogosphere, and please be quite clear on the fact that I missed you all terribly. No really. Yes, even you. :-)

To update you all, although I am a procrastinator, I did finish my project on Sunday evening, did a bit of minor editing (it needed a lot more, but I just couldn't bring myself to look at it anymore) on Monday, and turned it in Tuesday late morning. I was curious how I would feel after it was done. Would I be relieved? Would I be sad? As it happens, I felt exactly the same. Stressed. Whatever I did that wasn't writing the paper (which of course was everything I did, seeing as the paper was finished), I felt pangs of guilt, that I should have been working on the paper instead. Then yesterday my body decided to release the stress...as illness. I'm not that sick (I mean I'm still going to work and everything), but I still feel pretty dreadful. So, in my last post, I could have put that 'writing a paper leads to stress-based illness'. Now, because this is Europe, the continent of the oral exam, I get to re-read the pensum (a lovely Danish word that means reading list for a course) and make sure I'm ready to defend my paper inasmuch as it is defensible, and describe it succinctly, and in three weeks (a bit less, actually), the cycle can start all over again with the next module in the course.

In more exciting news, during my month away, Denmark got a lot of snow (I love snow), I went on two trips (one for business and one for Christmas), and have been seeing lots of interesting things in the Danish papers. They could well be the subjects of more interesting posts in the very near future.

Writing a paper as mental illness

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I have had my first anxiety dream inspired by the paper that I'm (supposedly) writing. I was in some sort of work setting (it's a bit hazy, as most dreams are a while after waking up), and had been given a small but important task by my boss (one of my teachers from an early level of learning Danish, the one who first told me that I needed to spend more time on my written work), which involved informing the rest of the staff (my current school classmates) of something which they had to know in a very timely manner. I hadn't done it, and was going in those endless corridors which appear magically in dreams like this, trying to find everyone to tell them before it was too late. While I was wandering, I was repeating over and over again some line about not living up to my potential. Then thankfully the alarm woke me up.

Of course, I have deduced from this dream, and the rest of my symptoms, that I am going mad. No really. The question is, what type of madness do I have? Let's analyze the situation.

1) Depression: I am not feeling depressed, I must admit. However, it is depressing to have a paper due and not be working on it. It is equally depressing to be working on something, and knowing that it isn't as good as it could be. Turning in a paper knowing that it could have been oh, so much more with more attention and less procrastination is really depressing. So, writing a paper leads to depression.

2) Manic behavior: In order to turn in the paper on time, I know I will have to have at least one episode of frenzied activity, leading up until about 3 minutes before I have to rush to school to turn it in (it can't be done over the internet, or I'd have an extra hour to be frenzied). So, writing a paper leads to manic behavior.

3) Substance abuse: Surely that manic frenzy will be powered by large amounts of coffee. Coffee contains caffeine, which is an addictive substance. And, when all is said and done, and the paper turned in, I may well celebrate with an alcoholic beverage or two. Alcohol is an addictive substance. So, writing a paper leads to substance abuse.

4) Delusions of grandeur: If you aren't convinced at some point in any project that your topic will revolutionize your chosen field, or revolutionize the world, then I don't want to hear it. I know, deep in the depths of my soul, that I deserve a perfect 13 (the highest grade in the Danish scale) just for showing up. When that doesn't happen...see #1. So, writing a paper leads to delusions of grandeur.

5) Manic-depression: In getting my experiment together (not finished, it still isn't, but together) I had to send out a few e-mail cries for help (kindly answered by my supervisor). Thor was kind enough to point out how funny the whole process was (to him, not to me). Discover problem...be extremely depressed, the topic won't work, but what am I going to do, I can't think of another topic, life is horrible. Then get help...ah, everything is wonderful now, my paper will be fine, I'm so happy. Then discover that the solution really didn't help, and the whole thing repeats. So, writing a paper leads to manic-depression.

6) Memory loss: It seems that I have depression, manic behavior...and manic-depression. There seems to be some repetition happening. I must be becoming extremely forgetful, to repeat myself in this way. So, writing a paper leads to memory loss.

7) Split personality: Of course, it may be that there are now two of me, one of whom is manic, and one of whom is depressive. No there aren't. Yes, there are. No there aren't, and anyway it isn't politically correct to joke about split personality. So what, it's funny. No it isn't. Yes, it is, so writing a paper leads to split personality. No, it doesn't!

And finally, 8) Blogging: Nothing gets me to want to read blogs, comment on blogs, and write blog posts, like when I have to be doing something else, like writing a paper. When that blogging involves an overly long bad joke about split personalities, well, what can be more a sign of mental illness than that. So, writing a paper leads to blogging.

So, any illness you'd care to add?

I am procrastinating. I am a procrastinator.

Yes, I am still the patron goddess of procrastination. I was beginning to doubt this myself, just for a while. For the past couple of months, I have successfully managed my time so that I could go to school full-time, work half-time, and still have a life. I was planning my lessons more in advance than usual, ahead of the reading for my course, and not even that stressed - in fact, compared to how I usually am, I was practically comatose with relaxation. I was even able to read novels and blog a bit. Until I finished the assigned reading for my course that is, and my brain shut down. Now, I can't seem to do anything that I would like to do. My patron goddess status is back, in a big, big, really big way.

The timing of this is not good, though what would be good timing for procrastination? I am attempting to follow the Structured Procrastination approach to counter it, which in essence advises the procrastinator to have lots of different things to do, and to procrastinate some of those things by doing some of the other ones. I do this naturally, as I suspect do many others. And I have lots of stuff to do. A 25-page paper to write (and all of the researching and reading that goes with this, as well as a small experiment which must be planned and carried out). Novels which must be read before the library wants them back. Reading the newspaper in Danish (and reading some in Portuguese wouldn't go amiss either). A cross-stitching project which I have promised to have finished for a cute, friendly, well-mannered 4-year old of my acquaintance by Christmas (well actually by her birthday, which was last week, but I had warned her that it might not be ready until Christmas). Blogging, by which I mean writing actual posts, as well as commenting. Teaching myself HTML. Cooking a bit more than I do now. Cleaning occasionally. And I can't seem to do any of it. Well, or at least not without a lot of stress, nagging and grief before each activity.

Well, now that I've got that out of my system, and in so doing put off doing anything else, it's time to continue with my other work. Let me see, should I cross-stitch in order to avoid studying HTML? Or should I read one of the novels that the library won't let me renew in order to put off reading an article or two for my paper? Ahh, the possibilities, the possibilities are endless.

*Photo: The Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park, August, 2005