We interrupt this blog for a Tristino update

Whenever I can't get a project off the ground (which is to say, several times in the life of any project I decide to start), I think of history. According to my mother at least, I could never get anything going at the normal time. I'd start something, decide I could do things more easily some other way, and that would be it for the new thing. For a while, until I'd spontaneously just do whatever it was I had tried to do before, without any major problems. So, for example I started walking at some point, decided that crawling was far more efficient, and stopped walking...until the day when I just started walking like I had always known how to do it. This seems to be the story of my life.

It's been how I've learned languages, more or less, the way I settle into new countries, the way I make new friends, everything in fits and starts. And, apparently, it's the way I work academically. Which is a very roundabout way of saying that I've finally gotten a semblance of a draft proposal together. It's only taken months, I know. For those who aren't privy to my inner angst (and trust me, you don't really want to hear my inner angst, as it's somewhat repetitive), this won't mean much. But those who are in the know will know what a big deal this is. It's still not done, but it's ready to send out to select corners of the world to get feedback. It's done enough that I can almost see doing a PhD based on the ideas in it. So, in short, hallelujah! Now, I return you to your normally scheduled blog while I go back and try to figure out what my methodology might be.

*Tristino in his younger days, now that tiny bit closer to being reborn.*

The sign says it all, really

But I'll add some comments anyway. This is a sign that I've always appreciated, and which I've photographed on more than one occasion. It has sort of become more than just a sign. It's a reminder of something that I all too often forget. It's not so obviously relevant during the week, where I'm too busy doing what needs to be done to be worrying about what I'm not doing. But it comes into its own over the weekends, where I feel myself slide into lethargy, all the while feeling the increasing weight of all the things it would be helpful if I did, right now. Sometimes I get some of those things done, but not always by any means. Yet the answer to all of this angst is clearly stated in the sign.

The question though could be what path? How to keep on a path that cannot be seen? And how to keep on multiple paths at once? Or is that not actually possible?

One thing is for sure though, that any path that one follows for long enough seems to end up leading to some sort of meaning and fulfillment. Even blogging every day (as I have been inspired to do this month) has given far more than would be expected. Leading me to wonder how many paths are necessary for a full life and how elaborate those paths really need to be.

For you, do you know what your paths in life are? Or what paths you'd like to be on? Or are you finding it all out only as you go along?

Whale skeletons, tatoos, and general inefficiency

The skeleton dimensions I shall now proceed to set down are copied verbatim from my right arm, where I had them tattooed; as in my wild wanderings at that period, there was no other secure way of preserving such valuable statistics. But as I was crowded for space, and wished the other parts of my body to remain a blank page for a poem I was then composing - at least, what untattooed parts might remain - I did not trouble myself with the odd inches; nor, indeed, should inches at all enter into a congenial admeasurement of the whale.

--Ishmael, about to reveal whale secrets in Moby Dick

This passage both disturbs and enlightens. Disturbs, perhaps only me in my role as commitment-phobe. Imagine, to be so devoted to something that you engrave it permanatly on your physical being. I couldn't do it...which might explain why I don't have any tatoos. Enlightens because there is value in remembering and commemorating whatever it is that is important in our lives, both the sublime poem, and the mundane measurement of a whale skeleton. Or should that have been the other way around?

It's of particular relevance now as so much new is happening in my life, and I find myself facing a future with simply too many roles, both the real and the as yet merely imagined. And maybe I'm not such a commitment-phobe after all, because I simply can't bring myself to de-prioritize anything that has had priority at any time before. Some re-ordering I know will come about just through life's normal course, but others will not.

The problem is that which has been pushed out of the foreseeable future, which is my envisioning of myself as an academic. It's the oldest dream I have, and all I need to do (at least for now) is to get my thoughts together into a proposal...not a finished, polished, brilliant proposal either, mind you, just one that is definite enough that I can send it around and get feedback on it. And yet I find that all the other roles in my life, as employee, friend, girlfriend, family member, future mother, are given priority over just focusing on what exactly I want to research, and then writing it down. Even though the academic role is more important than any of the others (not that the others are not important, just that they don't need the same time, attention, and tenacious no-holds barred fighting to keep them realizable). And to compound it, when I talk about it, it invariably feels like whining. Which is what it is.

So, the question is, is it possible to tell how much space is left for tatoos? And what's the best way to remove, or at least minimize tatoos whose significance is diminished? How far should a dream be pushed before it becomes more burden than motivation? I don't think my dream has become a burden, by the way. But at the rate I'm going, and the guilt I'm producing, it sure seems a bit that way.

*picture taken from http://daverothstravels.blogspot.com/2007/09/ive-done-it.html.*

Growing up means learning what you cannot do

So, I used to believe that women could multitask. In particular, I believed that I could multitask. But the more I have to do, the clearer it becomes that I don't really multitask at all. For example, at this point in time, I have at least 3 major pulls on my time and resources. So, of course, I'm totally focusing on the one that is least urgent, and letting the other ones go to seed. When the one thing is done, or more likely when I'm bored of it, then I will turn my obsessions to something that is hopefully, but not necessarily more useful.

That's not to mention all the things which could rightfully draw my attention which are not in that magical top three. For example, the least urgent task (that I'm most working on now) is not related to this spa, though if it was, I would be spending my time debating whether the 'SpaLuxsus' package is too extensive, and if so, would the 'Ny Energi' package offer enough treatments? At the same time, the more important things are not related to my blog, or any other writing that I might be doing for expression, even though that would be far more important now than just about anything else.

Can you multitask? No, really, can you? Or is there anything else that you used to do, or think that you used to do, where now you're not so sure?

*More photos of food from the files. I'm not focusing on this either, though actually, a peppermint malt would be really nice right now. Of course, I'd have to go to Palo Alto to get one as good as this one.*

Writing 1 : -865736 Revising

I don't understand it, honestly I don't. Writing is, despite (and maybe because of) the fits and starts way that ideas present themselves, really fun. It's fulfilling, it's interesting, it can, when an exciting new theory or way of structuring a complex train of thought presents itself, even be exhilarating. I bitch about every paper and article, endlessly, but when all is said and done, I enjoy it. I'd gladly do it for a living, if I could figure out how.

Revising should be a natural extension of that process, hard work, but worth it. And it is worth it, eventually, but before it becomes worth it, it's horrible. I hate, loathe and detest it. It's not just hard work, it's outright impossible. How do people do it? How do you all do it?

Well, back to the aforementioned revisions...I seem to be aiming for a personal best for the longest time taken to revise an article, and it's gotta stop. You and the rest of the blogosphere are my witnesses. The article will be done today. If only so that I can start on the next one.

*This is the mascot for the Camino de Santiago. In our household we call him Palette, after his head shape. He's neither writing nor revising, but seems rather to be taking a nap, which would be very nice right now.

***Update, 6 August, 11am: O.K., I chose a good night's sleep over finishing, but only after I had reached to where the end was in sight. Now, I'm basically done. After a couple of days to let it rest, and then another run-through, and I do believe I may actually be able to send it in. :-) ***

Does this mean I need to give back my crown?

Well, it's almost that time of the school term, to start the long procrastination process towards the last project paper before my thesis in the Spring. It will be great, filled with post after post of angst and off-putting. I know you all have been eagerly looking forward. And it will all begin as soon as...oops, wait, I almost forgot. I'm done with my paper.

It's not my fault. I had a week of almost no work (this past week has been the Danish autumn holiday week/reading week, so I had no classes as a student, and all but one of my classes as a teacher were cancelled) and a fairly solid idea for a topic, I made a plan...and actually stuck with it and finished the whole thing. Well, I have a couple theoretical points that I'd like to add, a book or two and maybe some articles that I'd still like to read and incorporate, but really, if I had to, I could print it out and turn it in right now. From nothing but an idea to a fully formed 7,000 words plus appendix of data in 8 days. Like an academic Ferrari. O.K, maybe an academic Porsche. Just to give an idea of the magnitude of this achievement, the official due date is the 4th of January. I am planning to turn it in by the 8th of December before my Christmas trip. I should have the editing done by the end of the month.

I'm convincing myself to be proud - I'm not good at feeling proud...it's that perfectionist perennial feeling that I could have done more getting in the way - but I'm a bit nervous for my status as patron goddess of procrastination. Can I get things done in an orderly way, in advance or even well in advance, and still retain my title? More importantly, will everyone around me be dreadfully disappointed in this small disruption of the cosmic order?

When I finish the reveling (which should last until I go back to working all the time, which happens tomorrow), I'll write about the paper itself. Be prepared to snooze at the computer screen.

*obligatory China photo, and my sincerest wish, taken in a small auditorium along the banks of the Yangtze*

Where, oh where does the time go?

It's getting harder to find the time to blog. Is it the endless teaching hours? Is it all the studying, books and articles to read, papers to write? Is it that I, too, must eat, sleep, socialize, and all those other things in the bottom levels of Maslow's hierarchy?

Go ahead and believe that it is; it'll make me sound more together. And it is true some, or even a lot of the time. If you believe it, then feel free to not read any further. Just admire the panda photo some more (from the Giant Panda Research Center just outside of Chengdu, my random photo from China for this post). Otherwise, here are some of the things which are really keeping me from my blogosphere home. You may wish to try some of them, but only if you don't have any work of your own, or pressing deadlines, for the next several weeks.

1) The Archers. This is the most pathetic one...let me justify it. See, I used to live in London, right? Where I was at one point in an, erm, relationship (I use that term lovingly, but loosely) with an older gentleman who listened a lot to Radio 4 (which in American terms, is, maybe NPR?) Soon, I started listening to Radio 4, too. All the time. And part of the Radio 4 experience is listening to the Archers, a very long-running radio soap opera. That isn't the sad part. The sad part is that I have only bothered to listen to one episode of the show in the going on three years that I've been in Denmark. Yet, I still get and read an e-mail synopsis every day, and read message boards to find out people's reactions to all the things I haven't actually heard. Which can take time...those people are opinionated!

2) Conceptis Puzzles. Probably my single biggest timewaster. Ingenious puzzles, which when done yield a not-normally ingenious picture of...whatever, the fact that it's a picture is much more important than the subject, or for that matter the quality of the picture. I can't help it, really. I've managed to wean myself off of the LAPs, which were just tedious, but I rarely can make it through a week without doing all the PAPs and FAPs. Worse, on the larger ones, I often will start one, do a bunch, and then have to go somewhere or do something...and so I end the puzzle and have to start over later. I even have a list on my computer so I can keep track of which ones I've done in any given week. And please don't tell me to print them out...it's all about the on-line final sound effect, and the pop-up version of whatever image I've done.

3) Neil Gaiman. It started with Anansi Boys from a Helsinki airport bookshop, enroute to China. Now it's American Gods (yes, I know, it's the wrong way round, yeah, yeah, whatever...), with Neverwhere waiting patiently in the wings. I hadn't read him before, but I find him inventive, clever, and much more interesting than organizational learning theory.

4) Lovecraft. The birthday present-savvy James sent me a copy of H.P. Lovecraft: Against the World, Against Life for my birthday. One of the single greatest books I've ever received, not least because it's an in back to Lovecraft. And as anyone knows who has read Lovecraft, he's not a quick read. Worthwhile, to be sure, but not quick.

5) Planning my next trips. Not taking any trips, just planning them. All trips to California, for Christmas, and in the Spring. Planning is fun, especially when you can use it as an excuse to not get anything done.

And 6) please don't ask me to explain Text Twist, as I hope the words alone will say it all.

What to do when there's nothing to do

In my life's patterns of overwork/underwork, I've gone into a small underwork period. My project oral exam is done (if you'd like to know how it went, the code is 11, and your magic decoder ring is here), and I have a total of one more day of work, and that only in the morning, before I start my summer travels next Friday. So I have basically a week to do what I'd like, and to get things done.

So what have I done? Not nearly as much as I could. I've watched a lot of football. I've done some cross-stitching. I've made a commitment I will most likely not keep, to clean and cook a bit more...I'm terribly undomesticated, which isn't really fair on Thor when he's working and I'm not. I've tried to read a whole book, but I seem to have forgotten how. I've met people for coffee.

So what am I missing? What would you do if you had a week to hang around at home? And is there a secret to being extra domesticated, some little trick I could apply to the apartment which might help my hopelessly tarnished reputation as a housekeeper? Anything which could give me domestic street cred, and/or would make the apartment look that much nicer, would be greatly appreciated.

Writing a paper as mental illness

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I have had my first anxiety dream inspired by the paper that I'm (supposedly) writing. I was in some sort of work setting (it's a bit hazy, as most dreams are a while after waking up), and had been given a small but important task by my boss (one of my teachers from an early level of learning Danish, the one who first told me that I needed to spend more time on my written work), which involved informing the rest of the staff (my current school classmates) of something which they had to know in a very timely manner. I hadn't done it, and was going in those endless corridors which appear magically in dreams like this, trying to find everyone to tell them before it was too late. While I was wandering, I was repeating over and over again some line about not living up to my potential. Then thankfully the alarm woke me up.

Of course, I have deduced from this dream, and the rest of my symptoms, that I am going mad. No really. The question is, what type of madness do I have? Let's analyze the situation.

1) Depression: I am not feeling depressed, I must admit. However, it is depressing to have a paper due and not be working on it. It is equally depressing to be working on something, and knowing that it isn't as good as it could be. Turning in a paper knowing that it could have been oh, so much more with more attention and less procrastination is really depressing. So, writing a paper leads to depression.

2) Manic behavior: In order to turn in the paper on time, I know I will have to have at least one episode of frenzied activity, leading up until about 3 minutes before I have to rush to school to turn it in (it can't be done over the internet, or I'd have an extra hour to be frenzied). So, writing a paper leads to manic behavior.

3) Substance abuse: Surely that manic frenzy will be powered by large amounts of coffee. Coffee contains caffeine, which is an addictive substance. And, when all is said and done, and the paper turned in, I may well celebrate with an alcoholic beverage or two. Alcohol is an addictive substance. So, writing a paper leads to substance abuse.

4) Delusions of grandeur: If you aren't convinced at some point in any project that your topic will revolutionize your chosen field, or revolutionize the world, then I don't want to hear it. I know, deep in the depths of my soul, that I deserve a perfect 13 (the highest grade in the Danish scale) just for showing up. When that doesn't happen...see #1. So, writing a paper leads to delusions of grandeur.

5) Manic-depression: In getting my experiment together (not finished, it still isn't, but together) I had to send out a few e-mail cries for help (kindly answered by my supervisor). Thor was kind enough to point out how funny the whole process was (to him, not to me). Discover problem...be extremely depressed, the topic won't work, but what am I going to do, I can't think of another topic, life is horrible. Then get help...ah, everything is wonderful now, my paper will be fine, I'm so happy. Then discover that the solution really didn't help, and the whole thing repeats. So, writing a paper leads to manic-depression.

6) Memory loss: It seems that I have depression, manic behavior...and manic-depression. There seems to be some repetition happening. I must be becoming extremely forgetful, to repeat myself in this way. So, writing a paper leads to memory loss.

7) Split personality: Of course, it may be that there are now two of me, one of whom is manic, and one of whom is depressive. No there aren't. Yes, there are. No there aren't, and anyway it isn't politically correct to joke about split personality. So what, it's funny. No it isn't. Yes, it is, so writing a paper leads to split personality. No, it doesn't!

And finally, 8) Blogging: Nothing gets me to want to read blogs, comment on blogs, and write blog posts, like when I have to be doing something else, like writing a paper. When that blogging involves an overly long bad joke about split personalities, well, what can be more a sign of mental illness than that. So, writing a paper leads to blogging.

So, any illness you'd care to add?

I am procrastinating. I am a procrastinator.

Yes, I am still the patron goddess of procrastination. I was beginning to doubt this myself, just for a while. For the past couple of months, I have successfully managed my time so that I could go to school full-time, work half-time, and still have a life. I was planning my lessons more in advance than usual, ahead of the reading for my course, and not even that stressed - in fact, compared to how I usually am, I was practically comatose with relaxation. I was even able to read novels and blog a bit. Until I finished the assigned reading for my course that is, and my brain shut down. Now, I can't seem to do anything that I would like to do. My patron goddess status is back, in a big, big, really big way.

The timing of this is not good, though what would be good timing for procrastination? I am attempting to follow the Structured Procrastination approach to counter it, which in essence advises the procrastinator to have lots of different things to do, and to procrastinate some of those things by doing some of the other ones. I do this naturally, as I suspect do many others. And I have lots of stuff to do. A 25-page paper to write (and all of the researching and reading that goes with this, as well as a small experiment which must be planned and carried out). Novels which must be read before the library wants them back. Reading the newspaper in Danish (and reading some in Portuguese wouldn't go amiss either). A cross-stitching project which I have promised to have finished for a cute, friendly, well-mannered 4-year old of my acquaintance by Christmas (well actually by her birthday, which was last week, but I had warned her that it might not be ready until Christmas). Blogging, by which I mean writing actual posts, as well as commenting. Teaching myself HTML. Cooking a bit more than I do now. Cleaning occasionally. And I can't seem to do any of it. Well, or at least not without a lot of stress, nagging and grief before each activity.

Well, now that I've got that out of my system, and in so doing put off doing anything else, it's time to continue with my other work. Let me see, should I cross-stitch in order to avoid studying HTML? Or should I read one of the novels that the library won't let me renew in order to put off reading an article or two for my paper? Ahh, the possibilities, the possibilities are endless.

*Photo: The Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park, August, 2005